Applied MicroBio: Hiking and the Human Skin

Metaphors become claggy, oafsome vehicles of sensory stand-ins when faced with the heroic and heady aromas of several hundred miles of sweat, smegma, and suffering. Most self-respecting similes just pack it up like a tourist who has contracted giardia and double diphtheria. Allusions fall to the depths of places better left to the imagination.

This photo is totally out of context: Wet Wipes and Honey Badger getting to the top of Max Patch.

All that to say that any literary technique employed below falls short of the true olfactory potpourri that takes place when a gathering of long distance hikers (henceforth known has a through throng) rolls into town.

Also unrelated: a resupply at a general store in Gatlinburg, TN. Note the high calorie content, but mediocre nutrition. Check out the instagram @forgetthetp for creative uses of some of the above products!

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I’ve been on trail for about three weeks, so while I’m not yet capable of inflicting lasting damage on some unsuspecting bystander’s schnoz, I like to think people can smell me coming should the wind be in a cooperative mood. We’re also at that delicate stage where we (hikers) can still smell ourselves. This unwelcome skill should soon disappear. There is a sick sense of pride in the stench of a through hiker. You all know I’m not one for over-dramatizations, or romanticizing something better left in the bowels of hell, but the smell of the men and women I am traveling with is otherworldly. I truly believe that the secret to enlightenment lies somewhere in the culture of Brevibacterium linens currently calling my skin home. The number of S-methyl thioesters (think the smell of sulphur but with a little more odor du fromage) sloughing off my person is audacious to say the least. I kid you not: the microza we hikers are carrying around is the same stuff used to give Limburger and Raclette its punch.

I have taken three showers and spent 45min in a hot tub since hitting the trail. It’s gotten to the point that single showers are not really capable of making a dent in what is currently wafting off my body’s largest organ. Honestly, the only reason I’m still washing my hair is because I don’t want my it to turn into one matted mass.

More important than our odor control is maintaining proper personal hygiene. The biggest thing to combat (personally) is salt residue. As sweat dries is leaves behind salt which will literally tear its way through your skin if you’re not careful. I usually wash all lower extremities each morning to prevent any lasting damage to the parts of my body that legally need to be covered in public. As usual you also need to make sure you are washing your hands, using hand sanitizer, not letting people stick their hands into your bags of food, and giving through hiker fist-bumps instead of handshakes.

In short: we smell bad. Part of me hates it. The other part still wallowing in 5th grade and fart jokes thinks it’s awesome.

Wet Wipes and I set up in “porch mode” our first night out of the Smokies. Not shown: the breakfast I cooked while still laying in bed that morning. We literally sat for an hour this morning just wallowing in comfort before walking 17 miles (no longer wallowing in comfort).

(I’m also out of GSMNP and taking my first zero in Hot Springs, NC for those of you concerned with, like, progress and stuff).

A Physical and Emotional Analysis of the First Three Days

General Update:

Three days in and I’m at Neal Gap. Now. This is roughly twice as far as I was planning to be at this point but I made some gross miscalculations during what will hitherto be labeled the “theoretical” portion of my hike.

Somebody really digs the color white. I get it, but I feel like a nice eggshell or winter butter is a little softer, and while less universal, is more versatile when using earth tones.

Firstly, I am still on a dairy farm schedule, which means I’ve been waking up at 5:30 every day ready to take on the world. Secondly, hiking 8 miles has been taking roughly 4 hours so we’re all rolling in at noon. Thirdly, bumming around in camp cannot occupy anyone for 9 hours with any genuine entertainment. Fourthly, I’m never going to get that premier “hiker stench” if I don’t get my butt in gear right from the get go. So I keep getting to where I was planning to stop by lunch and just kind of keep going.

Blood Mountain Shelter. Part of today’s 17-ish miles. Beautiful. Old. And a bit like a basement on top of a mountain. You need to have bear cans to stay here. I don’t, so I didn’t.

All that to say armchair through hiking, while enjoyable and more shower-filled, wasn’t wildly helpful. On the plus side; I get to eat three days worth of food tomorrow.
Physical Analysis

In summary: the human body is flipping sweet and trekking poles are a gift from god.

I feel great! I’m tired, reasonably sore, but nothing is saying “hey, this is genuine pain.” It’s more, “hey, whose idea was this and why didn’t we consult your calves for a second opinion?”

In other news I successfully executed my first snot-rocket! For the un-initiated, this is when you get a good wad of boogers all up in a nostril and instead of using a tissue or bandana like a real human being you just force a bunch of air out of one nostril, thereby ejecting said phlegm with no following cleanup. This has been something I have struggled with for years. My father had this skill down to a science and my sister had this casual method during runs where you don’t even realize it’s happened until you see here take off faster than before, sinuses free and clear. Traditionally, my feeble snot-rockets leave a lot to be desired. They also leave a lot just kind of hanging off my chin. But not today! Today a beautiful emission of brain gold took place. Twice.

Not a snot-rocket. But almost as good.

I’m also slowly developing a Pavlovian response every time I pull out my trowel. Good news, but this could become an issue should other people’s trowels begin to illicit similar urges.
Emotional Analysis

People out here are so stinking supportive! I think most of us realize that few of us are experts and we’re all trying to do and get the same thing. You are constantly leap-frogging the same dozen or so people so you get to regularly check in with the hikers around you. We’ll see how jaded and surly we all get after the initial honeymoon phase wears off, but so far this is a wonderful crowd to hike with.

In Summary

So far so good! Check out the Instagram (@forgetthetp) for a few other photos and I’ll see y’all back here the next time I can grab some free Wi-Fi.

Bonus photo. Neel Gap. An outdoor goody Mecca. A gear junky’s Shangri La. A veritable smorgasbord of sil-nylon, cuban fiber, dyneema line, and aircraft-grade aluminum.